03

We had made great plans for the weekend but nothing came of it. In the end I found myself roaming the Antwerp night alone waiting for anybody; waiting for anything. I lost my connection to the world in a matter of seconds. This happened to me quite often in those days and I knew there was nothing to be done. I would very soon start to think there was no beauty in things, I was a failure, life was a hoax. I decided to go home but as always when haunted by such dark reflections the river drew me to her. A silent watcher - I used to love to quote Melville on this subject - I stood staring into her vast blackness for all eternity and imagined it was made out of the earth's blood. The lights and the stars reinvented themselves on the ominous surface, amorphously dancing to its gentle rythm. When I finally looked up I saw the deformed skyline of the Left Bank, with its permanent dawn, caused by industry's infernal flames. Soon it would start raining, but I felt no urge to find shelter. It seemed impossible for the clouds to cross the river. As if a giant metaphysical wall rose up from the deep, protecting the city against all evil. I had always felt safe in the black water's vicinity. It generated a certain calm which seemed to drown the entire population in blissful nodding. The Schelde didn't feverishly flow through the centre but lay by its side, as a lover. For me it felt as if I was five again, lying in bed between both my parents; the safest place in the world. I knew it wouldn't take the river much longer to comfort me. The steady stream cleared my head and carried my troubles out to sea. I turned to face the world again. It started raining. In a romantic mood I had once said Antwerp wasn't built by man, but carved out of the earth's grey surface by a great cloudburst. Rain, unpleasant though it may be, simply suited this city. As I wandered back into the streets I slowly regained my hunger for life. "O Cathedral", I shouted, "O, great heavenly Stalagmite. Embrace me with thy nightly Shadow! " I laughed silently and walked anywhere.
Later that night I met with Tom and we had a blast.